50 and Sleepless

Today is the 50 day mark.

Woah.

50 days till I become a wife. Adam's wife.

And for some reason my very first wedding freak out moment came last night. ALL night. Right before bed, I'd been Skyping with one of my best friends, Corrine, and I was telling her all about how much I loved planning my wedding, how it has been such a joy, that I haven't really felt stressed about it, and how I want to plan her wedding someday too--that's how much I love it.

Hang up. Click.

Quick call with Adam.

Then all of the sudden Wah-bam. It all hits me like 50 large rocks. Or maybe 50 shots of espresso. But sleep was not upon me. Not at 11:00pm after getting up at 6:00am and taking no nap. This is MOST unusual for me. Adam thinks I'm a professional sleeper. Well, it was not so last night.

I did that thing where I'd try to sleep and then convince myself that if I just worked on some things my mind would feel more at ease about sleeping. So around 11:30pm I turned the lights back on, opened my computer and searched the web frantically for ideas for guest books, seating charts, place settings, programs, menus, bridal portrait photos...

Then after bookmarking a few good things I thought for sure I'd be able to sleep, so by 1:00am I tried again.

Nope.

Sleep was still evading me.

Up again, this time trying to think through day-of logistics (especially photos), wondering if anyone we know has a flip cam they would loan us for the wedding weekend, wondering how long Adam should grow his hair for the wedding (my mom likes it short, but I LOVE it a little longer), figuring out a few more honeymoon details, wondering whether I'd have cute outfits to wear on my honeymoon...

Oh, and not to mention, WHO is going to make all of those pies????

2:30am and I'm in a little ball, all tucked in, trying to sleep again.

To no avail.

So by 3:00am I was alphabetizing my entire guest list because eventually this has to be done, right? What good is a guest list that is not alphabetized...

I was thinking through the seating chart and wondering who is going to be there.

When 4:00am rolled around I felt like I had basically stayed up all night worrying about the wedding.

I felt tired.

Very disgruntled.

Extremely silly.

And scared of how grumpy I'd be when I woke up.

Surely enough, I fell asleep soon thereafter.

And of course 7:30am came around and my eyes popped open. Hello day.

This cannot happen again. God has given me the gift of joy during this planning process and I won't let that be stripped away. Not by my silly, anxious, sleepless, little heart.

So, here's to 50 days and hopefully 50 nights of good sound sleep--knowing that everything is going to work out beautifully. And, at the end of that 50th day, I'll be married to my best friend.

And he will be my husband.

And I will be his wife.

And let's be honest, that's the only thing that will matter.