what i think i am like, is not always what i'm like.



this may sound strange,

but lately i've discovered that there is often a gap between what i think my personality is and what it really is. 

you know, 
i think i'm really sweet / but then i say something from some not sweet place and i'm like, eww.
i think i'm really tidy / but then i realize i haven't unpacked from last weekend and it's friday.
i think i'm really hygienic / but then i fall asleep without brushing my teeth on occasion (ick).

but here is one that i just can't figure out:
i think i am really friendly / but then i'm sometimes really awkward and painstakingly shy.

and sometimes i am so shy / awkward that i can't do the friendly thing no matter how badly i want to. and other times i feel like i could be friendly to anyone or everyone. i honestly can't tell which is more natural. and it frustrates me when either extreme gets the best of me. i have noticed my tendencies toward shyness to be resurfacing lately. and it's not okay with me!!! i never want to miss opportunities to show kindness or make a new friend because i'm being a big baby. 

when i was young and SUPER shy my mom used to tell me "if you are too shy, people will mistake it as snooty or standoffish. and you are neither. so try to be friendly even if you feel shy." and at some point i think i just buckled down and decided to by golly be a friendly person. even if it takes an extra bit of courage. 

anyone else like this? how i admire those super outgoing folks who never shy away from an opportunity to say hi or show friendliness. it's still hard for me on occasion. but it feels so good to be friendly even when it's awkward / hard. and not just when it's easy. we are all just so human. so why be shy!


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