letters i wrote, one.

before i could tell the world that i had a new little person dwelling inside of me, i wrote notes. notes to a little apple seed-plum sized baby. there are a lot of things you do to help wrap your mind around a surprise first baby. it sounds silly. it would have to me too, until i was the pregnant one.

and then suddenly all i wanted to do was start letting this child into my life. so i wrote notes. 

march 25, 2013:

everywhere we go, i feel like i have a little secret. and that secret is you. as little as you are (apple seed) i feel less lonely no matter where i go now. and sometimes i grin, because you are such a great secret. and knowing you're in there makes me giddy.

everything i have read says that when i’m pregnant i should never run so fast that i can’t talk. today i was running by myself, so i decided that i would have to talk to you. you know, to make sure i was running responsibly. because who else was there?

when i left for my run i slowed my pace way down from the norm. and every few minutes i’d just have a word or two with you. mostly reassuring you myself that we are going to be ok. that we are going to figure this out. and that you are going to show me grace because i’ll have no idea what i’m doing. and that i’ll show you grace when you cry your little guts out for no apparent reason. and that even though you were a surprise, you were the very best surprise i’ve ever gotten.

i think you pretty much agreed with everything i said.

and i felt a little crazy afterward. again, you’re an appleseed. but you’re my sweet little secret appleseed. so sometimes,

i talk to you while i run.