how i am doing.

so i am officially in my third month of motherhood--the least glamorous and most amazing job in the world, i'm finding. my whole life has changed so ridiculously fast. sometimes i just have to look around me and laugh at the things that are normal now. until the other day when i was driving to work for the first time--entering into "adult world" again, i hadn't really stopped to ask, "elise, girl, how are you doing with all of this??" and sometimes, you just need to have that kind of heart-to-heart with yourself. am i right?

so here is the skinny: physically, i feel great. pregnancy was pretty easy on my body. florence's birth was fast and natural and allowed me to bounce back really quickly. since giving birth i suddenly have terrible b.o. for the first time in my life...only in my left pit. so that's a bit weird and unusual. but i am enjoying walking a lot and starting to get back into running some. my little rock star of a daughter is a pretty great sleeper too. so while i'm really tired, i know it could be a lot worse. wow, am i grateful for all of these things. (well, b.o. excluded).

emotionally, i'm doing pretty well too. i know that postpartum depression is a very real thing that affects a lot of women. i definitely had my fears while pregnant of what it might look like if i did experience it. i know breastfeeding is helping a lot. and the grace of God, basically. not to say there aren't days when i feel like i might break down if she refuses to sleep another nap. or days when i cry all the way to work after i leave her. but overall, i feel pretty stable.

so the area that continues to be really difficult in this whole new mother scenario? goodness, it's identity. i remember telling my mom around the 2 week mark that i felt like i had lost my identity and my autonomy. like elise didn't exist anymore. now i was just florence's caretaker/boob/diaper changer. i still have to pay attention to what i eat and drink because of her. i have to sleep in a bra?? and wear pads in them at all times for fear of milk puddles. my hair is dirty and never blow dried and usually sticky with spit up. i swear my eyes have wrinkles now. i love having her with me when i go do things, but sometimes i just want to be alone. or with friends and no babe. sometimes i just want to be a normal, feminine, hygienic, wine-drinking woman who can do her thang without worrying about how it will physically affect another human being. or at the very least, go more than a few hours of my life without having to either feed her or pump.

not to mention trying to be an attractive wife to my husband and focus on my marriage (more on that later)...

florence adds to who i am in a way that i love and adore. but i'm not kidding, it takes time to adjust to that new identity. it takes time to strip seriously thick layers of selfishness and independence off. it takes time to be ok sharing my husband and best friend with another little lady. it all just takes time. i love my daughter to the moon and back. i could literally live off of her sweet little baby smell. and her smile...gush. but i guess i'm still human with some major selfish tendencies.

so that's how i am doing. good talk elise.