my vulnerable post.

i have been thinking a lot lately about my own personal growth. becoming both a wife and a mother within two years time will do that to you. not to mention starting a business. and it's a hard topic to write about because most of my thoughts on the topic end up confused and fuzzy in my head. to me, personal growth is just another term for sanctification. to me, the idea of personal growth is intrinsically linked to the process of continually growing more similar to Christ. and man did He have a lot of characteristics that i could use a little more of my life. but of all of them, my search for "personal growth," has landed on one that i think might just be key, at least for me.

yep, that's it.
vulnerability people.
speaking of, i'm feeling a bit vulnerable as i write this...

so, it makes me feel vulnerable to call my sister up and tell her this, that, or the other about how i need help knowing what to do with florence. it feels vulnerable to invite people into my home that never feels as clean as our pre-bambina days and hope they feel comfortable. it feels vulnerable to turn down opportunities with people because we can't afford them right now. it feels vulnerable to apply for new jobs and wonder how many will choose someone else. it feels vulnerable to invite college students into my home and try to lead them spiritually because i know that they are going to see all the many ways i fall short, all the time. it feels vulnerable to share my love of Christ with other people who think it's ridiculous. it feels vulnerable to start a new business because i realize that i want to work fewer hours outside of the home away from florence and hope that it works, and that people are supportive of it. it feels vulnerable to reach out to people i don't know very well just because i feel the nudge to encourage them. it feels vulnerable to try something and have no idea whether it will work or not or whether people will like it. it feels vulnerable to let people get to know me while wondering if they'll like me.

are you getting the picture?

it feels vulnerable to have a masters degree...and to have dreams that are different from it.  
it feels vulnerable to raise a human when you are so far from the human you want to be.
it feels vulnerable to fail at something you expected to succeed at and get back up and try that very same thing again. or maybe ten more times even.
it feels vulnerable to admit that i am the one who needs to change. 
it feels vulnerable to admit that, "i don't know" or worse, "i'm wrong."

but the reason this idea has been spinning around and around in my head is because i finally realized that when i'm vulnerable, i grow. it's like what the sun does for my tomato plants. it's imperative. when i'm timid and driven by fear, i'm stagnant. when i'm vulnerable and honest, i grow. it's so simple. 

i've found that vulnerability just oozes with authenticity.
and that's important to me.

i'm still working all of this out in my head. like it said, it's fuzzy in there these days. but this is as much of it as i could de-tangle and throw onto this little blog of mine today. so there you have it. is anyone with me on this? i'd sure love to hear. love you all!

ps, it's nice to be back. :)


  1. This past Sunday our pastor said, "If you are looking for neat and tidy, you are not looking for the Kingdom of God; you are looking for the kingdom of you." That has really stuck with me and similar thoughts have been swirling around in my head this week. Let's be messy and human and approachable to other messy human people (everyone) in the process! We can do it together! It is painful, but a good kind of painful to be real and let people in. Basically... I'm right there with ya!

    1. jo, i love that quote. it's so true. nothing about jesus' life was neat and tidy either. you have been such an open and approachable person in my life and i so appreciate you!!

  2. I struggle with this because I sooo badly want to be a stay at home mom, but I'm currently working on my National Boards for teaching. It's crazy how we can be one thing and want another and how we are afraid to say it aloud to people. Beautiful post.

    1. i totally agree. sometimes i just have to put blinders on to the now and ask "what do i really want 5 years from now to look like?" it's a vulnerable question to even ask yourself! having a baby changes everything.

  3. really proud of you sister. you are doing a great job of being vulnerable, growing and learning

    1. i have some great role models to follow, ahem...


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