how i am doing.




so i am officially in my third month of motherhood--the least glamorous and most amazing job in the world, i'm finding. my whole life has changed so ridiculously fast. sometimes i just have to look around me and laugh at the things that are normal now. until the other day when i was driving to work for the first time--entering into "adult world" again, i hadn't really stopped to ask, "elise, girl, how are you doing with all of this??" and sometimes, you just need to have that kind of heart-to-heart with yourself. am i right?

so here is the skinny: physically, i feel great. pregnancy was pretty easy on my body. florence's birth was fast and natural and allowed me to bounce back really quickly. since giving birth i suddenly have terrible b.o. for the first time in my life...only in my left pit. so that's a bit weird and unusual. but i am enjoying walking a lot and starting to get back into running some. my little rock star of a daughter is a pretty great sleeper too. so while i'm really tired, i know it could be a lot worse. wow, am i grateful for all of these things. (well, b.o. excluded).

emotionally, i'm doing pretty well too. i know that postpartum depression is a very real thing that affects a lot of women. i definitely had my fears while pregnant of what it might look like if i did experience it. i know breastfeeding is helping a lot. and the grace of God, basically. not to say there aren't days when i feel like i might break down if she refuses to sleep another nap. or days when i cry all the way to work after i leave her. but overall, i feel pretty stable.

so the area that continues to be really difficult in this whole new mother scenario? goodness, it's identity. i remember telling my mom around the 2 week mark that i felt like i had lost my identity and my autonomy. like elise didn't exist anymore. now i was just florence's caretaker/boob/diaper changer. i still have to pay attention to what i eat and drink because of her. i have to sleep in a bra?? and wear pads in them at all times for fear of milk puddles. my hair is dirty and never blow dried and usually sticky with spit up. i swear my eyes have wrinkles now. i love having her with me when i go do things, but sometimes i just want to be alone. or with friends and no babe. sometimes i just want to be a normal, feminine, hygienic, wine-drinking woman who can do her thang without worrying about how it will physically affect another human being. or at the very least, go more than a few hours of my life without having to either feed her or pump.

not to mention trying to be an attractive wife to my husband and focus on my marriage (more on that later)...

florence adds to who i am in a way that i love and adore. but i'm not kidding, it takes time to adjust to that new identity. it takes time to strip seriously thick layers of selfishness and independence off. it takes time to be ok sharing my husband and best friend with another little lady. it all just takes time. i love my daughter to the moon and back. i could literally live off of her sweet little baby smell. and her smile...gush. but i guess i'm still human with some major selfish tendencies.

so that's how i am doing. good talk elise.







5 comments:

  1. elise i love your honesty and your willingness to be transparent. you are a beautiful mother and i love you dearly sheesh

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  2. beautiful, its definitely something every mother goes through….and honestly as they get older you start to lost your identity even more….but you gain a new one….a stronger one that helps you make it through the crying spells and unexpected things like new b.o. :)

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement girl! You are such a sweet snd strong mamma! I so appreciate it!

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  3. For me the first year was the hardest. It's something all women who choose to have children must contend with - this identity confusion, this birth into a different person, this shared life, this 24/7 neediness. It does get better. It gets different, too. One day I woke up and was more glad to be on this side than on the former. It took about 2 years and a second child. Now, I don't look back with yearning; I look forward with gratitude. I still struggle with identity. I fear what it will look like when I'm 48 and my children are out. Who will I be then? How will it all have changed me? I have less guilt. I know I will never be younger than I am now. I listen more to my own heart and my own children when making decisions for them and less to whatever everyone else is doing or says is right for them or in general for all children.. like we're all the same. Anyway - you are not alone. It is just the beginning... and the wise elegance of time and experience will be your most beautiful crown... that is what I am learning now. Still learning... and fighting for that. Love your thoughts.. :)

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    1. not sure how i haven't seen this until now. but, wow! thank you so much for your beautiful thoughts lora! you are an inspiring mamma.

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